Sexual Abuse, Assault, and Rape Awareness
Rape Survivor #1
I feel like the more times I talk about what happened, the more it becomes real to me. I make people around me uncomfortable with the nonchalance with which I retell the events. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me at all. It still feels like it happened to someone else--like I am telling you about some movie I saw where a girl is raped at a party. As much as I want to just put it all behind me and get back to my life, I can't yet. There is so much more left for me to do: arraignments, justice court hearings, campus judicial hearings, the TRIAL. I?e already had to go through more than I ever thought I would: statements, a 6-hour long physical exam, extensive counseling which doesn't seem to go anywhere. I understand why people don't come forward. Right now, nothing that I?e gone through has been worth it. Hopefully, it will be, though. the trial is soon, but if the system fails me, I don't know what I?l do with myself.
The newspapers have really outdone themselves around here. People in my own community want me to go to jail for defamation of this guy's character. no one can believe he did it. he's an athlete. good grades. so suave. no one can believe that he is capable of this.
People want to kill me. since no newspaper can release my name, people just assume that I don't exist--that I don't read what they write or hear what they say while I? getting coffee. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have someone honestly want to *kill* you? It's unbearable.
I try to get on with my life, but it's nearly impossible. I know that I should treasure these few weeks before the trial, when next to no one knows my face. I am so terrified to walk into that courtroom and see him sitting there. and see his family and his friends. Look at those people who want me dead. How am I supposed to comfortably live my life with those crowds always two steps behind me?
I? sending you this at 4am. This has become a pretty normal hour for me. Sleeping isn't the same as it used to be. right after the accident, sleep came easy--it was the only time that I didn't have to think about it, but then after a while, sleep was the enemy. Because in my consciousness, I could fight off the memory. I could distract myself with school or working out, but when I went to sleep, I had no control over what my mind wanted me to see. So I can't sleep. I have to stay awake until 5 or 6am--until my body had no choice but to shut down. and then I have to wake up at my normal hour to go to work. I get about 4 hours of sleep a night, but it's a hell of a lot better than hearing myself screaming over and over in my head.
I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me. my mother has been a complete mess, and my father has turned the investigation into an obsession. I feel like my weakness would only be another thing for them to worry about, and I have been fairly successful in keeping the mask up. it's been a month since the accident, and my breakdowns have all been in complete private. I don't need people who know to worry, and I don't need people who don't know to ask questions.
I wish that I could offer advice on how to prevent this from happening to them, but I don't know what I could have done myself. I didn't tell him it was okay. I didn't go into his room to have sex with him. I didn't hang all over him at the party. I just drank too much, and it's college--the time in your life when you're expected to.
I hope that this was useful. it's a spectacularly stressful ordeal to go through, and I hate that anyone ever has to. reading the news articles and opinion pages that all stress his innocence hurt the worst. I know they don't mean anything when it comes down to it, but it'd be nice if more people believed in me.