Juanita Clark's Story



My name is Juanita Clark, I am 44 yrs old. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I had been adopted by my grandparents when I was just in kindergarten. On the outside, things looked great, but on the inside, I was terrified. We went to church every Sunday, my grandfather was very active in the church. I don't remember how old I was when it started, just remember I was in elementary school. Since the abuse occurred over many years, I can only give you specific events, not any specific chain of events.

We had 2 bathrooms, one with only a shower, the other with a bathtub, and this was where us kids took our bath. The one flaw, was that the door had no lock on it. Our only privacy was to open a drawer to keep the door from being opened all the way, it did allow someone if tall enough to look in the mirror and see whoever might have been in the bathtub. I could always see him watching me in the mirror, and would try and scoot as far back in the tub out of his eyesight as possible.

He used to come into my bedroom at night, and when he would stick his tongue in my mouth, I would always try and bite him. I did the same when he tried to stick his dick in my mouth, and he never tried that again. I always tried pretending I was asleep, hoping he would leave me alone, it never worked. One night when my grandmother was at a bridge game, he came to my room naked, and when she came home early, I could hear her asking why he was running around the house naked. I wanted so much to tell her what he was doing. He would even chase me around the house, and I would have to hide from him. I finally decided to run away, so I took my dog, and rode my bike about 15 miles to my other grandparents house. I couldn't tell them why I had left, so they called them, and they just came to pick me up.

My grandmother decided that I needed a bigger room, and they remodeled our patio, and it became my room. The room was great, but what I liked the most was that I had a lock on my door...the problem? He had the spare key! He would ask me if I wanted him to teach me if I wanted him to show me how the dogs did it, I just ran to my girl friend's house.

I was in the 7th grade when everything finally came to a head, so to speak. I wanted to go to a band concert that a friend of mine was playing in. I asked my grandmother to take me, but she asked him to take me. I tried to get out of it then, but they refused. On our way home, he took a different route, and I knew I was in trouble. He asked me if he tried anything if I would yell rape....I told him yes, and he still tried. He locked the doors, took off his glasses, set them on the dashboard, and proceeded to try and rape me. I was able to get a window open, and started screaming rape as loud as I could. Of course he immediately stopped and took me home. I went immediately to my room, crying, and wrote my mother, and told her everything. I had to put the envelope in a different mailbox, as my grandmother monitored our mail. I got a letter back from her, and she believed me.

She made an agreement with my grandparents that in exchange for her not to press charges against my grandfather, that my brothers and I would go to live with her, and he was not allowed to visit us. This was fine for awhile, but I started having nightmares of being raped, and it was affecting my schoolwork. After a few years, I went back to San Angelo, to visit with my best friend. I believe I was a freshman in high school at the time. My friend was not a Christian, but she did have a bible in her room. I remember opening it up, and just reading at random. I opened it up to the book of Matthew, and just started reading. The verse said, GOD FORGIVES THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST YOU, BUT IF YOU REFUSE TO FORGIVE THEM, HE WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying, and forgave my grandfather that very night. My life changed completely from that point on. My nightmares stopped completely.

I eventually married a man who was very understanding. He didn't push me when I would have flashbacks. He would just hold me until the crying stopped. Although I had forgiven him, I always felt like I had been jipped, that he had gotten away with everything, and I just had to live with it. I found out a few months before he died, that I would actually have my justice. He had prostate cancer. He had no bladder control, his testicles were black. He had no use of his genitalia. I believe that God punished him, and took from him what he had used against me. God punished him in a way that the courts never could.

I had my justice!!!!

I do not dwell on my past, and am not afraid or embarrassed to tell my story. I just hope that in reading my story, someone can heal. I was able to forgive my abuser threw the grace of God, and have peace about it.

God bless you all,
Juanita Clark




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