Jennifer's Story


My Story
-Jennifer



I always took my innocence for granted. I was a content, only child and showered with love from my mom and grandparents. Never knew my biological father till later. Anyways, my mom met the man I call dad and life was still good. When I was 8 my little brother was born. Two years later my little sister was born. Then I found out my dad had two kids from his previous wife. Brandy was 12 and Michael was 14. I was always jealous of my friends who had older siblings because they always protected them. I thought things were going to be great. They came during my birthday party and they seemed quite and shy. I liked them...at first. They were nice and helped me and we played games, and even though I was younger, I helped them with their homework because I was a pretty smart child. Then, came that first night that my life turned into a cruel reality. My mom and dad were at a friend’s house playing poker. My little brother and sister were in bed and Brandy, Michael and I were telling scary stories. Well Brandy and I decided to go to bed while Michael stayed up and watched TV. Well Brandy was telling me one last story about a haunted house and I got really scared, but I laughed it off and went to go get a glass of water. What’s funny is the little things that one remembers in their life. People cant always tell you what they had for dinner the previous night, but they can recall, in detail the most tragic things. I told Michael I was getting water and he was like ok let me help you. So we went into the kitchen, he got me water, I drank it while he watched. Then he started tickling me. I didn't think anything of it. I was 10 and seemed to have the perfect life. I heard stories on TV but never thought anything would happen to me. I was laughing so hard I fell to the floor and he stood above me. I cant seem to get past this part. I try to write it down but the pain of the memory is too much to bare. I can see it in my mind, replay it over and over but to write it down seems way too real. I try to pretend I seen it from a movie, got lost in my imagination. I don’t want it to be real; I don’t want to think that I lost my innocence so early on in life. My perfect world crumbled right before me in a matter of seconds. I still feel its my fault. Maybe if I would have told someone instead of being so scared, maybe I should have worn something other than my boxers and shirt, or what if…just what if. I'm so afraid of getting hurt, or let down again. Its happen so many times that I just don’t trust anyone. I could say just he ruined it for me, but that’s not entirely true. Thinking my biological father didn’t want me, to boys touching me when I was younger because I was more developed than most, to my innocence lost, to the other two boys who did the exact same thing, to being hurt in other ways of the heart. I learned early on not only to trust anyone, but to shield my heart. I know not get caught up in fantasies and fairy tales because none of those are real. Prince Charming doesn’t exist and the damsel in distress must rescue herself. Never depend on people because that will just lead to more pain. Keep your expectations of people and things low, because they will never amount to something more than that. I also do what I'm doing now. When I don’t want to talk about something, Ill get off topic but tie it in so that they think I'm still on topic. I’m a great bull-shitter and an excellent manipulator by nature. It comes in handy during a lot of conversations. See I'm doing it now. Anyways, he was tickling me then started to pull up my shirt. He then started to tickle my stomach then drag his fingers across me. I tried to get up but he kept me pinned down by placing each knee on the outsides of my legs. He then started to trail his fingers down more. I was starting to get scared. This has never happened to me before and I knew this wasn’t tickling. His other had started to run my thigh. By this time, I had seen the knife on his right side by the cupboard. I started to get more than then scared, I started to panic. He then started to pull down my underwear. By this time I was crying and telling him no. I was begging him to stop and to let me go. He didn’t listen though, and he was just telling me to be quiet. He told me it would feel good and that I looked so cute like this. That’s one thing I never get. How can a 10 year old look cute enough to give people sexual thoughts. He had my underwear to my knees when he started to touch a little above the part that was suppose to be private and never be seen by others at such a young age. He then trailed his fingers down while I cried even more. In the back of my mind, I knew my step-sister wasn’t sleeping but I never thought of that till later. He cupped his hand on me and rubbed what I wanted to stay private. I was screaming and crying now, saying I just want to go to bed. He then got up, picked up the knife, and said that if I told anyone then he would not only hurt me but my mother. I couldn’t let that happen so I didn’t say anything. I pulled up my underwear, ran to my room, got under the covers and cried myself to sleep. I knew nothing would be the same after that, but I never expected for these events to keep happening. I was just a child, who lost her innocence at a very early age. The next time it happen was a few weeks later. When I look back now, I see how easy it would have been to tell someone. Then maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. Maybe I wouldn’t be as messed up as I am. I'm trying hard to forgive him but first I still need to forgive myself. I blame myself and keep thinking about the “what ifs.” What if I did this or what if I did that. I know everyone keeps telling me its not my fault, but I cant help it. Ill agree with them and be like I know. That’s what they want to hear so I say it. Since that night, I learned to fake a lot. I'm so good at it, that I can even pull it off most of the time to my parents. I smile at the right time and laugh at the right time. But I still blame myself and I still am depressed and reckless. I lost my faith in God and still haven’t fully accepted Him again, but I'm working on it. I’ve come along way I think. I finally admit it happen, and I can kinda talk about it. I'm still uncomfortable and I still cant get the courage up to go to a support group, but I'm hoping one day I make it there. I hope one day I will be free.

-Jennifer




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